For the past few weeks, I have been thinking about writing about fear. Having worked like a dog for six weeks in a row on three reports with lots and lots of data, I was exhausted and stressed about meeting endless deadlines. Then last week there was this miserable cold I couldn't shake. All these circumstances made the unusually high amount of anxiety seem somewhat normal.

But myself and a few people close to me know that there's something beyond that. For the weeks I had been busy, I had been putting off one thing -- going to the doctor to pick up test results for my six-month checkup. I had some results already -- most of the scans looked fine and most of the blood work was good. But there were a few results that I hadn't seen.

Yesterday, I was finally able to take half a day off to see my doctor. Everything seems all right, she told me.

What she said was no surprise. In the four years I've been in remission (four years tomorrow!), I had almost always been told I was fine (aside from a couple of false alarms). Being told I'm fine is what I've always expected. It's so natural. But at the same time it's funny how, as the time span between checkups get longer and memories of the scent of chemo and hospital rooms fade further, the uneasiness and the fidgeting on my part grow.

I can't pinpoint what the exact feeling is. I can't describe it. So I tried to give it a name. And fear is the only word I could think of, even though it's not an exact match.

Fear is an unfamiliar word to me. Right after college, I flew across the Pacific Ocean to study in the U.S., in a culture completely different from my own. After that, I worked in journalism, a profession where even those whose native tongue is English can never stop honing their English language skills. Not to mention the rude stares, the doors shut in your face, the occasional threats all journalists have to face from time to time in their careers (Most days are wonderful, of course). Then working part-time through my treatment, struggling to regain physical (and mental) strength after the treatment. And moving back to a country where the health care is a lot more inferior to that of the U.S. All of the above are scary things. Yet I was never deterred.

Why is the feeling of fear sharper than ever now?

I have no answer to that. I remember a friend told me that after being in remission for five years, his wife still doesn't like to call herself cured from cancer. We all know there's no cure. Maybe it's that tiny inkling that it might always come back. Maybe it's the remote possibility that even everyone who hasn't been hit by a major illness or misfortune faces but is more eminent to us the survivors -- those of us who've been there.

Fear is a powerful thing.

Luckily, it's also temporary. I was going to write a blog after coming back from the doctor's office, but then I no longer felt like I had much to say about fear -- a word I had been thinking about and had a lot of questions about. Today that word seems even further away from me. I don't feel any of it now.

A college friend congratulated me like this: "Now four years. Then five. Then 10. Then you can have a huge 60-year celebration like our country just did!!"

I laughed. We both know that most likely I will not live another 60 years. I'm not even sure if I want to. And there's no guarantee that I will be safe from cancer from now on. But hearing him say that so-matter-of-factly, as if it's the most natural thing to be able to live forever and just, be, is amazingly comforting and warm to me. And knowing there's so much more to look forward to is -- just grand.

Just like fear, hope is also a very powerful thing.


Taken at the Great Wall

还记得读新闻的时候，有一次NPR著名节目主持人Juan Williams来我们学校作客，他给我们这些在座的学生讲了很多做广播电视新闻的经历，还打比方说做广播，就好像是在观众的床边给他们讲故事，要亲切、娓娓道来，而电视则不然，电视上持不同观点的人经常会象吵架一样激烈的辩论，这种模式很confrontational. （他本人广播电视都做过。）

最近时常想起他的这句话，因为开始从网上下载几个以前很喜欢的NPR节目。其中一个是Terry Gross主持的，采访电影、电视艺人，作家，有时候政客的节目。Terry的节目，就好像是在你的床边给你讲故事，她让你根本感觉不出她是以著名主持人的身份在做采访这份工作，相反，她让你觉得你只是有机会听到了她和一个老朋友的聊天，而采访中的精彩细节和少为人知的故事，正是让听众能觉得格外享受的地方。

Terry做这一行几十年了，有时候我觉得她采访过全世界所有的人 －－ 经常什么名人去世了，电台就回放当年她采访该人的片断。

上周她采访了两个我很感兴趣的人：一个是我最佩服的记者Seymour Hersh;一个是网球巨匠阿加西。

Hersh是著名的investigative reporter,以他的深度报道出名。早在1969年，他曾揭露在美国对越战争中的My Lai Massacre，引发了美国公众对他们自己国家的批判和更多的人要求美国撤军。他也因为这一系列报道而获得新闻界最高奖Pulitzer Prize. 在2004年，大家都知道的美国军人对在Abu Ghraib监狱的囚犯的侵犯和虐待，又是Hersh最早发现、报道的。其他的这种深度、准确的报道无数。我很佩服Hersh, 因为在现在这个浮躁的世界，他居然几十年如一日的去挖掘一些大部分普通民众莫不关心的、却在道义上有着深远影响的事。他不是那种把公关人员撰写的软文直接署名刊登的记者，不是那种遇到大公司、大财团的威胁就退缩的记者，他是真正有良心、有正义感的记者。他是人民真正需要的记者，因为通过他的劳动，人们可以了解到政府或其他掌握着权利的人和部门所做的龌龊行径，从而愤怒，从而要求justice。

阿加西就不用说了，有天赋，有个性，而且和所有人一样，有缺陷。他最近新出了回忆录"Open"。

Terry和两位客人谈他们最近的作品，她的低调、谦和、好奇、智慧使的被采访者能够完全放开，去对和她讲述他们的故事，仿佛忘记了在演播室的外边，有着很大的一个人群在听他们的对话，听他们的故事，了解－－哪怕只是一点点 －－ 他们的内心世界。听这样的采访（这两天晚上我还真的是把iphone放到枕边听的广播片断），真的是一种很难得的享受。


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最近总是觉得很torn，不知道是应该用英文还是中文写博客好。英文是我习惯的写作环境，因为毕竟原来就是做这行的，也觉得如果要练习写作，就应该用英文。但又的时候有看到有朋友见到我的英文博客就roll their eyes，况且现在完全浸入在中文的环境中，又觉得也许应该多写一些中文的博客。就在这样迷惑中，上周看完了“The Kite Runner"之后，一直想写点什么，却无法动笔。呵呵。

通常我是不太看英文书的中文译本的，总觉得既然能够读英文原作，和作者更直接的交流，就不应该在中间再夹一个翻译。不过最近看了《骆驼图书馆》的翻译版。因为是朋友借给我的，强烈推荐的，故事情节也还算有意思，就用几个晚上把它翻完了。

从书的名字，应该不难猜出它是关于往哪一个荒芜的沙漠地区送树的故事。事实上也是，《骆驼图书馆》写了一个纽约的女图书馆员，为了寻找生活的意义，从平淡无奇的都市生活现状中走出来，到肯尼亚的移动图书馆去给当地人送书的故事。故事描绘了女图书馆员对不凡的生活的向往，也是对adventure的渴求。

但更有意思的书中反映的当地的传统文化和外面所谓文明世界带来的文化的冲突。在肯尼亚偏僻、贫困、落后的村庄，温饱还成问题，人们哪里会有经历去追求读书这种精神生活，有一个当地的祖母在移动图书馆到来之前只读过圣经一本书，还从那里学来了数百年前、和当今口语话英语格格不入的古英语（比如那时的"you", 是"thou")。在这种情况下，大多数人会觉得骆驼背上的移动图书馆是件好事，是给当地带来教育、知识、文化的机会。书中也描写了书给当地有个女孩的生活注入无限新的动力。 但是，当地有的居民不认为移动图书馆是件好事，他们说，村里的知识是通过老一代在实践过程中教新一代人这样一代一代传下来的，那些老人的知识比任何一本书都更加丰富和宝贵。为什么一定要引进西方世界的所谓“文明”呢？

我觉得此话虽然听上去偏激，其实不无道理。虽然了解外面的世界，学习新的知识是好的，但这些村庄有他们自己的传统和文化，而保留这些传统文化，让它流传下去，是一样很重要的事情。随着通讯业的发达、世界交流的增多和西方发达国家文化的主流化和迅速传播，对不同少数人的传统文化的保留越来越成为一件迫在眉睫的事了。

我们在做慈善事业的时候，经常是按照自己的思维方式，去考虑受益人需要什么什么样，让他们按照我们“正常”的轨迹来发展，而有多少人又会考虑到被帮助人的需求，从被帮助人的角度去看问题呢？

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In Chinese, there's a saying, "One will not read a book unless it's borrowed." It was saying how people tend not to value a book unless it's one they do not own and have to return, which gives them the pressure to read the book. I love reading books passed on by friends, because that's how I got started reading. Still remember when I was in school in Reno, my roommate and best friend, a great reader and also someone in journalism, used to recommend me books and movies she liked. We would go to used bookstores together (one of my favorite things to do, as for a few dollars you can get a great book, most of the time almost new) and she would point to a certain book and tell me about it.

It's wonderful when we both like a book or a writer, and we could talk about it forever. Sometimes, she would tell me that she didn't really like a certain writer I liked. But she respected my choice and bought me books by that writer as a gift. 

After I graduated, I moved away for my new job. And she has since left the city as well. But each time we got together, we'd still talk about books among many other things, and when we had time, we'd still visit used bookstores together. Sometimes, we'd still sit on opposite ends of a couch, quietly, each having something to read, and only to speak when we wanted to share something really interesting from the book.

Another friend of mine, also in journalism, used to mail me books he's read. It's so nice to get books or book recommendations from friends. Usually these books are a great read. You also feel like each time you read a book, you get closer to the person who recommends it.

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一个朋友最近把他喜欢的歌拷了一些给我，里面有几个我喜欢的美国巨星，可让我吃惊的是，我回家后最先试听的居然是不那么出名的李健的歌。说起来我和李健是高中校友（人怎么都这么爱套近乎啊），但是不同年级，也没什么太多的接触。当时只记得他总在演出中唱潭永林的歌，学的挺象的，但是当时也没觉得他怎么着，结果他唱着唱着就唱进了清华，让我万分羡慕。我也试着唱了，清华没要我。

后来大学毕业后我就出国了，一走九年，也没太关心国内的事，只是听说过水木年华，并没听过他们的歌。一直到两年前回国，EJ的车里有时会放李健的歌，她讲起比较欣赏李健的不张扬，终于今年一冲动买了他的专辑《想念你》，一听，原来那么好听！声音是那么的干净、清澈、委婉，没有商业味，歌都是自己写的，也找到了自己的风格，不张扬，但却带着音乐人的自信。这次听了同学给我的李健翻唱的一些老歌（当时觉得有一点惭愧没自己花钱去买他的CD），也特别喜欢。有几首是我本来就喜欢的旋律，他通过自己的诠释唱出来，听着让人很舒心。真有才啊。佩服！

今天北京下了今年冬天的第一场雪。一早起来就看到外面白茫茫的，匆匆忙忙的出去见一个工作上的contact. 车已经变成了一座白色的小山，我的车上还没来得及备雪刷，就只好把一朋友送的除味碳的袋子用来“扫”车上的雪。

好久没有在雪里开车了，说时话在北京这两年也没太见过这么大的雪，只记得两年前的11月刚回来时，北京阴阴的、冷冷的，地铁上的人一脸疲惫，在这个浮躁的社会里挣扎。

现在看到一大片一大片的飘下来，周围都变成白色的世界，看上去很干净，也让我心情很好。开着车，大片大片的雪好像扑面而来，有一点以前在北达的感觉。记得当时，人家当地人都特别会在冰雪中开车，只有我常常控制不了车。还记得第一年到北达的时候当地的同事在一次吃饭时围着我讲了很多冬天在路上的恐怖故事，告诉我车里要备雪锹、沙袋、毛毯等等一系列的东西，以防开长途时遇到暴风雪。当时听的我蛮害怕的，但还是很懒，在那边住了两年也没有准备这些东西。现在全球变暖，到处天气都怪怪的，也不知道冬天应该做些什么样的准备。

这是我从五台山一座寺庙的一个门上抄来的一副对联，虽然不少朋友一看我在msn上用它做标题就知道这是有些禅意的话，我没什么文化，对佛学了解更少，当时姐姐指这句话给我看的时候，我觉得写的很好，是我很羡慕的境界，就抄了下来。

国庆8天长假，原本打算呆在家里，于是1号看了国庆游行，2号约了几个朋友爬慕田峪长城，一下子从8号烽火台走到20号，外加一小段野长城，把自己累的快傻了。结果3号，竟然和父母还有姐姐一家开车去五台山，最初出发的时候，计划3天就回来，还可以有时间做一些必要的购物、加一点班，没想到这次出行一发不可收拾，竟然从五台山临时决定去山西西南边的壶口，计划的3天的行程变成了5天，开车开了2，100多公里，回京后就只有睡觉的力气了，没有加班，该买的东西也没买。

至于山西的见闻，以后有时间再慢慢的讲 -- 现在要睡觉了。


五台山的白塔 － The White Tower at Mount Wutai

下午在外面办事，居然看到一个叫秋林的店。因为除了在哈尔滨有个著名的秋林公司，我在其他城市没有见过叫秋林的店，所以用手机在外面拍了张照，然后好奇的走进去。食品店还没有开张，里面的工作人员好像在开会，看我推门进去，很吃惊。他们告诉我该店月底开张，将卖俄式食品，比如大列巴等等。食品店离我新家不远，将来可以很容易的吃到在家乡时吃的东西了。：）

我对秋林这个词并不了解，于是回家后上网搜了一下，原来它是俄国的一个商人的姓，秋林公司就是他在哈尔滨开的，有100多年的历史。


北京秋林－Churin food store in Beijing


哈尔滨秋林公司（新华图片） － Harbin Churin (Xinhua photo)

PRC's 60th anniversary celebrations are finally over. I have to admit that I was many times annoyed by the Olympics-style security and the hassle and interruption the celebrations brought to people's lives. But at the same time, I also can't help but feeling proud and inspired sometimes (despite my strong distaste for official rhetoric and public pronouncement of nationalism).

Today for example, when I got off work, I found the subway station playing the well-known Chinese song, "I love you, China", played by a violinist. I had never been so touched by this song. Even though China still needs to improve in a lot of areas, the country has come a long way. And the music seems to convey that. It was 8:30 p.m. and there were not many people on the platform. I looked around, the other passengers appeared to be enjoy the music as much as I did. It seemed to have given people a sense of calmness.


慕田峪长城 － The Great Wall at Mutianyu
 
Now that the touchy-feely part is out of the way, a few tidbits about the National Day celebration and its preparation:

• Some 100,000 civilians participated, with a large number of students from elementary school all the way through college. These participants carried flowers, ribbons, musical instruments as well as other gadgets, and each time they hold up what they were carrying, they form a patterns such as words and the national flag. The neat formations come from months of practicing, which means missed classes, school events or even sleep -- as the National Day approached, participants were shuttled to airports in the outskirts of Beijing in the middle of the night to practice there. For three weekends in September, all participants practiced along the Chang'An Street, where the actual parade took place on Oct. 1st, and streets nearby were blocked, subway halted, and for a couple of weekends, we who work along the Chang'An Street were let home early in the afternoon because there would be no transportation available after that.
• My coworker -- along with others living along the Chang'An Street -- got a postcard from the Public Safety Bureau suggesting that they get a few days of food and necessity and try to stay home during the Oct. 1st celebration and watch TV.
  
• During my business trip to southern China in late September, the airport security screening was strict, esp. if you are coming into Beijing. At the Shenzhen airport, where I was getting checked before boarding my flight back to Beijing, people were told to take out their computer, cameras and even umbrellas. The guards carefully checked through each item.
  
• Before that, after I flew to Shenzhen and boarded a bus that took me from Shenzhen to Dongguan, some guy (either with the airport or the authorities) came on board right before the bus departed with a video camera in his hand, and held it still in front of each passenger's face for about a couple of seconds and taped all of us. Not a word was said, not an explanation was given, and he got off the bus after he was done. I gave them the best picture: with my mouth dropped and eyes wide open and a big frown on my forehead and my hair frazzled -- completely shocked and offended. But of course, nobody cared how I felt. Public safety first. ;-)
• Back in Beijing, I felt even safer, even though for the entire month before the celebration, we kept hearing stories/rumors of crimes in the city, and increased police force, of course. Then on the days we were allowed to go home early because streets were going to be blocked off, we saw an amazing number of cops, everywhere, every few steps -- I'm not exaggerating. When I drove, I often saw cop cars -- with their fancy lights on -- making the rounds. At a lot of intersections in the city, you see cops -- sometimes more than one, sometimes standing next to SWAT cars -- directing traffic or simply making a presence. I didn't have to wait until the parade to learn our military strength -- I could see guns, big guns sometimes, that some of these people carry. We also heard there are plainclothes police everywhere in the Tian'anmen square. The word is they outnumber the tourists, but I don't have the best information. I'm just an average citizen. Yet, oh, I felt so safe, and protected. I guess so long as you are a good citizen and are on the good side of the government, you are protected. 
• On a more serious note, I do think the city should have more patrol officers during normal days, as in the U.S. If it were not for the celebration, most of the cop cars with sirens on are just trying to get ahead of the traffic for no reason. They are not there to enforce traffic rules and they don't care to stop if a driver breaks the rule. 
• My second serious point is, the world has changed a great deal. It truly is no longer safe. There seem to be unrest everywhere. You always hear about car bombings and suicide bombers in other countries, and here in our own Xinjiang region not long before the National Day, we had confirmed stories of people using needles to poke others. This is the kind of stuff you should only be reading about on the urban legends Web sites, where people have got nothing better to do but to create bizarre and scary stories. It's a new world. What can I say.
  

前些日子公司请客，组织lady's night, 所有的女同事一起出去吃了顿晚饭，并看了百老汇经典“猫”。

其实一听说“猫”在北展上演，就很期盼，一直打算着如果公司不请客，我就自己请自己。从前在纽约看过百老汇的Phantom of the Opera 和Mamma Mia. Phantom of the Opera 是我第一次看百老汇，那次是和一个朋友一起去纽约玩，接待的朋友的朋友很热心，帮我们买了便宜的学生票。但是觉得男主角的声音真是美极了，好像把我带到了另一个世界。其实在那之前，我最想看的是 “猫”，因为“猫”是我唯一知道的百老汇剧。后来才在网上看到Phantom of the Opera也是非常的经典，而且已经超过“猫”成为在百老汇上演场次最多的剧。

看Mamma Mia是因为一次组织大学生交流活动，好心的同事看我想削减经费，就向他熟悉的业内人士要了十几张票，都是相当好的座位，Mamma Mia剧情简单，又唱又跳，欢快活泼，香港过来的学生看了非常喜欢，赞不绝口。因为大家都对ABBA的歌很熟悉，所以都觉得听得很过瘾。

有了那两次经历，这次看“猫”，自然期望值很高。这也可能是为什么上半场过后我稍微有些失望。原来对情节、演唱的期望好像都没有能得到满足。还好下半场非常精彩，也由于对剧中“猫物”更加了解，又有主旋律Memory不断以各种不同方式被重复，慢慢觉得对该剧喜欢起来。

每次听到剧中的猫唱Memory，又不禁想起一个朋友，她曾经在博客上post这首歌的歌词。我个人则是更喜欢这首歌的旋律，深深佩服能写出这样经典的曲目的人。

昨天和两个高中同学和另一个朋友去八大处爬山。说实话，八大处是我一直避免的一个地方：去年大约这个时候，和出差路过北京的朋友去过那附近的香山，他是北外毕业的所以对香山比较熟，所以专门选在下午4点左右出发，为了避免人太多。结果我们到了以后发现，接近傍晚的香山依然人山人海，包括很多打着小旗、带着一样的帽子的旅行团的人，我们想看的红叶也还没有出来。我们都觉得很不爽，一直到爬到山上之后，心情才好了起来。

于是从那时开始，就觉得要避开香山、八大处、植物园只类的地方，偶尔有人提起周末去玩，我总觉得是万幸都躲过了。我如果去郊区一般都是密云、昌平、延庆之类的，稍微远一点，但是人也稍微少一点。这次和C同学，约爬山约了几次，却总是因为我周末或者出差或者有事一直推到昨天（昨天又和大学同学的活动撞车，但是不好意思再把中学同学推掉），所以他说去八大处，我就二话没说，答应了。很巧的是，八大处居然是QY的最爱，她竟然推掉了手中的活和陪父母的重任一同前往。

C同学英勇的和发小YT骑车去八大处（后来才知道YT竟然是从大望路这边一路骑过去的，佩服！！），我和QY则开车去。快到八大处时我和QY堵在路上，10分钟的车程走了有一个小时（于是也比我们骑车的战友晚到了1个钟头！），很不爽，一直嘟囔着C同学实在是选错了地方。本来约的10点开始爬山，我们到了的时候都快12点了。四个人从第二处开始往上走，见庙就进，C和YT基本上见佛就拜，我和QY则很不严肃，大多时间只是站在一边，偶尔才会双手合十给大金佛鞠个躬。因为偏巧选在初一，是信徒们吃斋的日子，每个庙都人巨多，我已经有要晕倒的感觉。还好越往上走人越少一些，但是还是觉得爬的山太缓了。（回国后一直觉得没有痛痛快快的爬过山，每次有人说组织爬山，去了总是发现是在什么水边支个帐篷或者是上一个平缓的小土坡，在没有先前在缅因爬山那种连手带脚、浑身酸痛、随时想躺下睡一觉的感觉了。觉得回国后体力也下降了很多，现在都不知道自己能不能再那样爬山了）

因为我们都很不会带东西 －－ 我带了4个大苹果，C同学带了4盒牛奶、地瓜干等“硬菜”， 我们只好中途停下来大吃，以减轻我们包中的负担（我的包一直是YT背着，我和QY轮流背她的包）。居然就这样还没怎么运动就把牛奶、苹果、地瓜干、薯片和一系列其他的小吃统统下肚，觉得更走不动了。呵呵。

我这次才知道第八处和前七处是分开的。我们要从七处的山上下来，从新爬另一座山去八处。八处的山还是不高，感觉也没什么的。下来时候C同学一定要去看一个错过的摩牙谷，YT和QY都不想去了，我觉得还没活动够，就决定陪着他前往。想不到我们这次爬的小岔路是这一天爬的最过瘾的一段，平缓的台阶和道路在这里消失，取而代之的是不均匀的高高的大石头台阶，因为不好上，人也很少，一路上只见到另外两个人。一路上去，气喘吁吁，也出了一身汗，觉得很舒服。最后一小段上山崖的土路是C同学自己上去的，我当时因为有点腿软，没上去，之后相当后悔 －－ 爬山不见顶总是有些遗憾！下来后看到QY同学期盼的眼光，说以为我们出事了呢，一问，其实我们离开只有半个小时！

晚上在八大处附近吃了什么塞外驴肉，好香！！茶足饭饱之后，我和QY同学开车返回，路上欣赏了我最喜爱的长安街夜景，YT同学毅然拒绝了我们捎他回大望路的offer，和C同学骑车回家了。

今天看到一个朋友的博客，总结了她在美国十年的工作生活，触动我的不是她的经历，而是她的一句话：“热情和激情还在心中”。其实人的这一生，有的顺利，有的坎坷，有的平淡无奇，有的丰富多彩，但真正能让人佩服的是内心的东西：那一份平静，同时又有的那一份热情。

以前觉得最不能忍受的就是千篇一律的平淡生活，什么都不发生，日复一日，年复一年。如果每天都是一样的，那为什么要活那么多年，我总是想。原本以为settling down会让生活无聊透顶，因为可以看到五年后你会生活在哪里，甚至10年后，这对于我这种喜欢刺激、新鲜的人是不可思议的。所以前些日子当公司的大老板问我还会不会搬回美国时，我自己都很吃惊我好不犹豫的说不会，和我原来“呆不住”的性格太不象了，我甚至自己也没有很仔细的、确切的考虑过将来的选择。但是，最近发现对这种看似固定的生活的热情有增无减，那种对未来的期望和欢迎，就象当初刚刚到美国时一样，也和第一次开始实习，和后来第一次开始正式工作，和每次换工作、换城市的感觉一样，虽然这次生活中没什么变动。可能生活还是要看自己怎么过，有很多种不同的选择，有人从头到尾选择平淡，有人选择实际，有人就更喜欢追逐自己的梦想甚至幻想。

上周末几个大学同学聚会，居然在延庆住了一个晚上，一起吃了两顿早餐、两顿午餐、一顿晚餐。每个人的生活轨迹都很不相同，但是觉得大家对生活还都蛮有热情的。之前一周很累很烦的我，聚会后心情很好，感觉这次是大学同学聚会当中我最喜欢的一次。

一个朋友发给我几首Michael Learns to Rock的歌。之前我以为是不认识的乐队，听了才发现，是上大学时常听的，也很喜欢的。晚上去公园锻炼和在楼下跳绳的时候都有这几首歌（和Tina Turner的歌）伴随，仿佛回到了年轻的时候，感觉生活就象学生时代一样（减去功课；），一切阳光、美丽。

爱上生活，看来不是件难事。


美术馆的画

果园

红领巾

云蒙峡

后海

龙庆峡

There are certain things that calm people, even when all other things fail. And for me, taking a walk in the park while listening to NPR podcast seems to work really well. After being really busy for about 10 days and not being able to get any walk in, tonight, I finally got to do just that.

One of the most notable things this week is the Lanzhou trip -- I accompanied the head of the company to Lanzhou for the signing ceremony of our company's scholarship program for poor, female students from five western provinces enrolled in a local university.

The trip was pretty uneventful. But it meant a lot to me. For close to two years since I've been back, I've been wanting to do some volunteer work. Volunteering at a friend's agency to help people with disabilities in Reno, volunteering for the American Cancer Society while being ill and working for a nonprofit organization during my last year in the U.S. left me deep impressions and wonderful memories. These experiences make me really want to continue to reach out and help people when possible, to give back to the larger society, instead of just taking care of myself and my family. And I'm embarrassed to say I hadn't found the time and the right organization to volunteer at. Now I can finally get involved. I'm not sure how this will work out, but I hope I'll be able to put in a little more efforts in this Lanzhou program down the road.

Lanzhou is very different from Beijing. Even though it's a big city out west, it is not nearly as developed as big cities like Beijing, Shanghai and Guangzhou. In fact, there is so little happening in Lanzhou that from the three papers I read during my 24 hours there, there was very little local business news. Instead, there were a lot of items about crimes -- theft, burglaries, drugs -- in the paper. We drove around town a couple of times, and there was not a lot of shopping centers/department stores or skyscrapers. Instead, the city looked as if it was still in the 90s.


It had been raining and the Yellow River was very yellow!

今天阳光很足，下午5，6点透过公司的大玻璃窗照在我的脸上，我觉得很舒服。于是决定，下了班去我喜欢的那个公园take a walk。自从发现了那个公园后，总是忍不住要回去，周末竟然连续两天起床后就去走上1个小时。有点原来住在Lake Michigan旁边的感觉（那时侯离湖边只有一两道街，特爱在外面走）。主要原因就是人少（当然，不收门票对我吸引力也很大：）

可是下班的时候，已经7点多了。回家换上衣服，开着车去公园，发现这条路晚上剧堵，本来一共也就10分钟的路，今天一个红路灯就花了10多分钟。来到公园时，已经8点多了，天已经黑了。我有一点犹豫，回国这一年多来，身边的人成功的向我灌输了当今的社会有多么多么的乱、多么多么的不安全的观念。我天黑以后来这个人很少的公园，那不是自己给坏人送上门了吗？

事实正好相反。这晚上的公园，比我白天来的时候人多多了！！好像感觉附近的人都来了！光在进门处附近跳集体舞的就是好几排，怎么也有几十个人。往里走还有其他很多很多散步的、谈恋爱的、路灯下打牌的、角落里打太极拳的、练口琴和二胡的、舞动着长长的绸带子的小孩，还有索性在栏杆、树下、台阶上靠着、坐着、在黑暗中瞪大眼睛看路过的行人的人。旱冰场里传出很大的disco music，几乎整个公园都能听到，场内很多在这种音乐下练习交谊舞，有一个女的甚至穿来了她的吊带晚礼服！！

我沿着小湖边走了一圈半（比较偏的地方也走了，平时那些地方也就是一个保安加两、三对行人，可今天却很热闹！），快9点了，有一点恋恋不舍的离开了公园。里面的人还是很多，好像都没有撤退的意思。有两个小卖部都还开门。

我算是体验了。呵呵。


P.S. 附上前些日子在美术馆看到的一幅油画。我很喜欢，就拍了下来。

终于感觉，我开始过夏天了，原因是周六出去took a long walk，晒到了太阳，还发现了一个离家很近的公园，不要钱，更重要的是人很少！！

记得以前倒班的时候，到了夏天就很高兴上夜班。白天就找个公园，带着一个picnic的毯子，几本书，一瓶水，一些水果，防晒霜，在公园晒太阳。或者到湖边散布，看风景，看练习sailing的人。每次晒了太阳后，身上暖洋洋的，略微出汗，心情很好。

来北京以后，一直没有精力去找这样的一个好去处，于是运动仅限于健身房，或和朋友打打球，和家人游游泳之类的。很少在户外活动了。而且总觉得在北京时间很紧张，如果walk一个小时的效果可能还不如跳半个小时的绳。

于是一个夏天过去，胳膊腿还是比较苍白，也就更不好意思露出来了。昨天散完步，全身出汗（天气闷热），但却觉得很舒服，所以今天早上醒来后，就又想到回到那个公园，在Madonna 音乐的陪伴下，又快走了1小时。太阳晒的我暖洋洋的，回家看到胳膊明显变黑，过瘾。

夏天终于来了。 呵呵。

中学时的好友来email,说我很就没有更新我的博客了。想到这个朋友孩子九个月还在孜孜不倦的更新着她的博客，我只好惭愧的告诉她，工作忙，没干什么别的，也就没什么好写的。

回顾过去半年，其实发生了很多，办了很多的事，解决了不少问题，而过去的两个月可能是我07年回国后过的最好的两个月，终于对北京开始有了归属感，开始有生活渐渐安定下来的感觉，对国内自己不喜欢的一些方式不再十分的抵触，对需要选择的事也做出了一些决定。

前面的路还很长，但是我觉得今年向前迈出了很大的一步。要感谢的是家人和朋友，那么不懈的支持帮助，那么的不离不弃。

其他的 ... 就希望北京降降温吧！！！


P.S. 我好像突然能用苹果上传大照片了。These are from a recent hike.

Had a reporter friend I used to go drinking with a lot when I lived in North Dakota (Well, there wasn't much else to do in North :-). He loved to cook, so sometimes he had a few of us over for dinner at his home. We got along pretty well.

After I moved away, we kept in touch. We would talk on the phone every couple of months, yapping about work, life and everything else.

A couple of days after my cancer diagnosis, he called me, not knowing what had happened. I really wasn't in the mood to pick up. Plus I was busy with preparation for treatment and stuff. ... He left a message, cracking jokes, including a line "Pick up. Are you still alive?" I know he didn't know, so I didn't blame him, and just erased the message.

Soon after that, my friends and former colleagues in other states learned about my illness. Cards and gifts started coming in. I thought he would call. But I didn't hear from him.

A month went by. Two.

I was starting to be disappointed: I considered him a good friend and he couldn't even call when something this big happened to me? Finally, after what seemed to be a century later, I got a package from him. In it was a card, explaining the whole matter -- he said he really regretted his nasty phone message after hearing about my illness and felt horrible and didn't know what to do to make things better. That's why he hasn't been in touch for so long. He used up all the blank space on the card, and I could picture his guilty look.

Along with the package, he sent me a CD he burned for me with some old songs like "If You Wanna Be Happy" by Jimmy Soul. He wrote on the CD "Hang On."

Later that year, he drove nine hours round-trip to Minneapolis to see me a couple of times. Usually just to take me out for some dim sum and to catch up. ... But for some reason, I never listened to the CD he gave me (guess that makes me a pretty bad friend, too).

Until recently.

And now it's something I listen to a lot on my way in to work. I was never big on Oldies, but these songs are really lovely, and funny, and cute. It really lifts my mood for some reason.

So, thank you, my friend, for your CD.

And just like what's burned onto the CD, friends who've been in your life somehow stay in your heart -- even if you don't get to hang out, talk on the phone, or even email.

最近买了james hilton的《消失的地平线》，因为上个月去了香格里拉，觉得是时候该读这本听说了很久的书了。

欢快的节奏足以在上班的路上唤醒我。呵呵。

时光

歌手:许巍 

在阳光温暖的春天／走在这城市的人群中／在不知不觉的一瞬间／又想起你／你是记忆中最美的春天／是我难以再回去的昨天／你像鲜花那样地绽放／让我心动

在阳光温暖的春天／走在这城市的人群中／在不知不觉的一瞬间／又想起你／也许就在这一瞬间／你的笑容依然如晚霞般／在川流不息的时光中 神采飞扬

A late night trying to delete photos I no longer need to free up some space on my computer. I'm not nearly done, but looking at the photos led me to a trip down memory lane: the trips I led to Hong Kong and other parts of China with students in my program in 2007, the friends who visited me in the various states I lived in the U.S., the wonderful travels with loved ones...

As I went through the photos, I noticed two copies of photos of me being bald. They were taken by a photographer friend who visited me when she came to Minneapolis for a conference in the summer of 2005. I was going through chemo treatment at the time. She took more than a hundred photos and did a really good job. I looked relaxed and comfortable. There was no signs of pain, stress or embarrassment. Even today, I have a printed copy framed on my nightstand.

I still remember getting a buzz cut right after getting diagnosed with cancer -- the doctors and nurses told me I should expect my hair to come off 8 to 14 days after the first dose of chemo, and I had long hair at the time and didn't want to see it come off in patches. But my hair hung on longer. So each day, a close friend would go through the ritual of gently pulling my hair and say, "See, it still stands firmly on your head." Then we'd laugh it off.

Until one day, a handful of hair came off when he pulled. We both screamed with surprise. And in the next minute, I tried to keep the tears in my eyes from rolling down my cheek.

I really appreciated those who accepted me and my illness with openness, without making any fuss. That might have help make me so comfortable in carrying on with my life with a bald head. Most people going through this would wear wigs, hats or scarfs. I didn't. Instead, I put on earrings.

I remember going to work one day, and a coworker walked up to me, gave me a hug, and said, "You look beautiful."

I remember conducting interviews in a neighborhood just hit by tornadoes. It was late at night, and I felt my bald head was shinier than the street lamps. But nobody stared. Residents and emergency responders just kindly talked to me about what happened and the damages.

I remember going to a department store looking for earrings on a Sunday, and a middle-aged woman came up to me, smiled to me and said, "I couldn't pull off with such short hair. I tried. Didn't look good. But you look great." I had practically no hair and I was almost certain she had figured out what I was going through and said what she said to be kind and encouraging.

After I finished my treatment and my hair grew back, I kept the buzz for almost two years simply because I liked it and valued the entire cancer experience, however painful it was. My friends were almost split among nationalities: almost all my American friends liked the hair, while most Chinese friends felt that it was way too short, and that I was not feminine enough with that kind of hair.

When I moved back to China, I noticed some strangers in the streets would stare rudely at my short hair, and shockingly, some would even show their disapproval. People who know me tried to talk me into growing my hair out, saying I need to look more like a woman.

Sometimes I think some Chinese' attitudes towards people with cancer or those who have had cancer need some change. After learning about my illness, some people who had always liked me can now only think of the word "cancer" when seeing me. Some think it's an impediment to work or even a normal life. In contrast, back in the U.S., when I told a former boss about my experience, she never treated me differently or doubted my ability at work. And my current boss, who is not Chinese, showed nothing but kindness and support after learning about my experience. Most of my American friends can't think of why I shouldn't enjoy a good life just as everyone else.

One time last year when I went to the hospital for my routine checkup, I saw a young woman with bald head walking into an examination room. I wish I had the opportunity to walk up to her and tell her she was beautiful. Life in itself is beautiful.

从未喜欢过郑智化的歌，可是听姐姐唱起这首《别哭，我最爱的人》，听着她温柔的声音，觉得很好听，于是在网上找来歌词。

今天起床后，就自己做家务，还有很多很多要做的，但感觉这种安安静静的状态很好。最近几个月总是那么忙碌，那么无序，那么没有方向。现在终于知道是好好工作、好好生活的时候了，就好像一个阶段结束，一个新的阶段开始了。

别哭,我最爱的人 
今夜我如昙花绽放 
在最美的一刹那凋落 
你的泪也挽不回的枯萎 
别哭,我最爱的人 
可知我将不会再醒 
在最美的夜空中眨眼 
我的眸是最闪亮的星光 
是否记得我骄傲地说 
这世界我曾经来过 
不要告诉我永恒是什么 
我在最灿烂的瞬间毁灭 
不要告诉我成熟是什么 
我在刚开始的瞬间结束